and if i make you cry all night, me and daddy gonna have a fist fight...
(finally, new pictures! as you can tell, i'm moving back to the black and white spectrum, and the majority consist of either a) the good old 'fuck me silly' smirk or b) the standard 'duh?' face. niiiice.)
Hardcore people, this is coming straight outta 6:30 AM. No reason, I just woke up with a dash of creative inspiration and chose to run with it. The same old christina standards of life exist: I still go to bars and drink though it prooves now more than ever to be a vapid, rarely satisfying experience. I still wear lots of eyeliner and urban decay makeup, red lipstick, have an unnatural fetish with hair products, listen to the same music when i get ready (a crazy little mix), wear clothing that is mostly black, white, or gray, never get enough sleep, and am still searching for my niche in this wicked town. Oh, life, fuck you.
In the past few weeks, however, there has been this shift within me. It started about month ago or so with a conversation that made me cry uncontrollably followed by this realization that undeniably threw my life off course. For one reason or another, the old standards that never bothered me just started to. I had reread The Little Prince for the millionth time, and everything in life seemed to parrallel it. I was being tamed just like the prince was tamed by the fox. The rose, however, was my life. It was utterly bizarre. And just like the book my metaphorical 'fox' left my life as quickly as he came and threw my entire perspective off-kilter. I was tamed. God, I found myself in the middle of this nauseatingly typical form of life. Eat sleep work party crash. Then one day I had to take a break. I started to get coffee (an old standard) and reading more books and spending a lot more time alone. Part of it made me feel utterly lonely, yes, but another part of it made me feel, well, more connected in a sense. Because I felt like I was doing something for me for once. I never told him thank you. I wish I would have, but it's bizarre. Because it wasn't what he did, it's what he didn't, and that, that made me think about who I could potentially be. In fact, he did nothing, and that was exactly what I needed at that exact moment.
So, stemming from that situation I find myself in a new one. I'm not lonely persay, but I am often without anyone. I just started to realize that I would much rather be with myself than stay with friends that, well, looked down upon me. I've been broadening my horizons in a sense, meeting new people, doing gutsier things. Honestly, life is looking pretty good.
Tomorrow I'll probably find myself with coffee or tea, finishing Cat's Cradle (god, another old favorite), writing, or just sitting in my room listening to music and talking to a few old friends. Yeah, it's no CIA mission, but it's satisfying. I think that everything right now is being simplified. Hey, I'm not complaining. In fact, it's much better this way.
--
Last night I went out for Lindsay's birthday. There were two really great things about last night. The official Lindsay-Xtina drinking song (cam'ron's 'hey ma') was played, and we got to do our ritualistic "You smoke?" "I smoke" (raise cigarette), "I drink" "Me too" (raise glass) motions. 2) P Frank walked me home. This always makes me happy. He did that the first time I came to Tuck's and he still does after 6 months. That is why I always find myself loyal to Poppa Frank. He takes care of me like no one else has this year, yet he lets me be, well, me. Last night, however, he didn't throw me over his shoulder because I almost fell in a hole. That would have been too great if he would have.
Well, the sun's rising and I'm not caught up on all my zzz's yet. Funny how I woke up to take some medicine and drink some aqua and I wind out pumping out a few weeks of emotions. Sundays are weird like that.
-Christina.
ps. Oh, yeah, it didn't take me a drop of liquor to figure out what I was feeling yesterday. I do, in fact, like someone a good deal. I do not, in fact, know where things are going. But, again, I like the whole fuzzy jr-high feeling, and right now, that works...
i'd rather laugh with the sinners...(3/22/03)
Last night was part adventure, part intrigue, part confusion, part fun. I don't really need to go into details, but it was interesting to say the least.
When I woke up this morning, I ritualistically got up to get some good ol' O.R. bruch. Amanda and I walk in and...JESUSGOODGODDAMN there were so many high school kids on campus. I have this thing with going to restaurants and being freaked out by a lot of babies around me (I don't know what the fuck they're saying!). Same thing goes for high school kids. They make me uberapprehensive. Like, I'm in a tank top and jeans, tattoos hanging out, hair's disheveled, I smell like lust or must or I need a shower, and they're all prim and proper. One girl had the nerve to tell Amanda her underwear was sticking out. I mean, shit. You're 14, I'm 19. Chill the fuck out.
After brunch I took full advantage of Audobon Park. There were a lot of people laying out in bikinis, a lot of nudity, but not me. There was a wedding on campus, and this jazz band was playing music for the party. Then they boarded a streetcar that said "just married." That was utterly adorable to me.
Conversations can be so fucking confusing at times. I don't know what people want from me. I don't like being led on. I don't like being used. I don't like being dissected. Motives and intentions should be laid out on the table and considered before something happens. I don't even know what the fuck I'm saying. What I mean is, intention is nothing. What happens happens. People should fess up to feelings. Yeah, something along those lines. I don't know what I'm feeling right now. Happy/sad/sick/crazy/tired. Do I like someone? Do I hate someone? Is there a middle ground? I'm frustrated with crushes, but not frustrated enough to stop...crushing? Fuck it. I want boxo. She's my muse. After a few glasses I'll think a bit clearer.
Website's coming along okay. She's still being tweaked, but she's looking awesome.
adieu,
christina
it's my will, it's my way home...(3/21/03)
sorry about the utter lack of pictures recently, people. i've just been sort of unmotivated.
anyway, i'm not going to any bars this weekend. i've decided that the more alcohol i consume, the more i become what i utterly don't desire to be. at times, i get very nauseated with the world around me. i love how alcohol numbs me and transforms me...but part of me wonders if i actually hold the balls or confidence to do things sober that i do while under the influence. i just don't feel like being this alternate 'party' girl right now. i'm relatively happy, so i shouldn't even begin to pretend that i'm not. and i certainly shouldn't do things that make me seem like an unintelligent human being.
the only thing that honestly upsets me is the feeling that i'm static, not evolving, not learning. i walked home last night. the bartender at quill's recognized me. i probably should have caught a ride home, taken the streetcar, but the vincenzio in me said, 'fuck that!' and i proceeded to walk. i do a lot of thinking when i walk. i generally think about people i know and what impact they have on my life. i'm just not sure i hold a role in anyone's life. does that make any sense? probably not.
so yesterday, somewhere in the midst of my nausea contributed to war and my personal feelings of always being somewhere, but not belonging, i asked savannah to cut my hair. she cut it all off. truthfully, i love it. it's short as hell, and it made me feel, for a few minutes at least, like i wasn't just 'type a' christina. i felt like i was different. and that, that made me very happy. i'll post a picture later, but i'm in dire need of a shower and what not, so not now.
the show at maple leaf was kind of a let down. i mean, i saw marvelous, and she's great, but it was past 1 and kelly 'love' jones was still 3 acts away. they should have cut out a lot of the random acts that weren't on the bill, that would have bumped the show forward at least 2 hours. anyway, the alcohol i had consumed caused me to develop this ennui with the waiting for the person i wanted to see. then the emcee said that movement was next. and i bolted. i couldn't handle it anymore. i walked to quill's, bought myself a beer, and walked home. bizarre.
well, that's about all from my front. this weekend will be healthy and happy for me. i have to clean my room desperately. i miss a lot of people...
lepanto.
there's the hair...
laaa. 2 am (3-21-03)
(I deleted this post. It was utterly retarded)
This entry is link-tastic (7 in all!)--(03/20/03)
Today is one of those days that isn't particularly spectactular. The sky is overcast, and everything's going relatively slowly and...Eh, oh well. Art class was interesting at least. I got to see a lot of controversial art work from photos of Cherry, the famed transsexual that works at Angeli. We also got to view my fellow classmate's controversial (and soon-to-be-censored) senior art exhibit. She is remaking these famous paintings like Manet's Olympia and Botticelli's Birth of Venus with photography. The Manet one was her of in bed, naked, in thigh-high boots and electrical tape over her nipples with her friend blindfolded handing her a whip. The Boticelli one is more of a retro-pinup/burlesque view. She was topless in it. Don't get me wrong, they were very tastefully done. I thought they were very very well done. I gained a lot of respect for her. She does burlesque at Shim Sham. I just liked the way she put these images in a contemporary format. It was playful and creative.
I ran into my buddy Jon en route to Rite Aide. That made me super-happy. I haven't seen that kid in a very long time, well, I haven't hung out with him since my birthday. I stocked up on ramen, nail polish remover, cotton balls, dayquil, and metabowhatever today. I've consumed nothing but coffee, mint tea, and chocolate covered raisins. God, being sick is bizarre
I caused a *slight* breach of security at work today. I accidentally let a student with an exam leave the room to call his professor to ask him a question. Which, in theory was okay because I took his test, but I guess he could have cheated in the time being so Denise and the rest got sort of flippy-outty with me. The again, the office has been packed today. I hate answering phones. I need to relax....
Suggestions for tonight (ala me!)
'Love Yo Mama' tonight at Maple Leaf Bar. 5 bucks. Represent, peeps, represent. If you're not in the mood for music, then I suppose you should hit up the Uptown Comedy Invasion at Carrollton Station a few blocks away. That's generally entertaining. If not that, then get coffee at rue. If you don't take any of this advice, then sit at home, you lazy bastids.
-christina
too lazy for a 'real' update, i stole this from my lj...(3/19/03)
(first of all, don't i look puffy and sick in this picture? well, i am!)
on with the transcript:
[ music | rufus wainwright, "across the universe" ]
I'm still sick, nursing on ibuprofen and tea. I finally left the dorms and got coffee at rue tonight. To tell you the truth, it felt really good. I like walking around uptown, and I actually manage to get all my fucking work done. I mean, when I'm in the dorms I check my LJ, check my email, check fark.com, check my horoscope, get a million IMs from freaking moc people, update my website, play with photoshop and make icons, resize my pictures, listen to music, watch episode of my so-called life i've downloaded, dance in my underwear, watch tv, play with makeup and hair shit, make myself tea and cappucinos...ugh, the list is exhausting. work doesn't get done. tonight i literally did all my homework and wrote in my actual journal. I prepared a presentation on Hedwig for creative writing class. I feel so goddamn accomplished.
My back feels like it's sunburned. I need my Lubriderm.
Tomorrow at Maple Leaf is a really fun-tastic show. Kelly Love Jones is playing. You know how happy that makes me? She is amazing. She's not the only one playing, but she's my favorite of the group. It's going to a hippity hoppity night.
-Christina
(from my journal...)
War is starting. I'm getting coffee. This is utterly depressing.
buzz (3/19/03)
yeah, so, no pictures today. i've got that glazed-over-stuffy-nosed-bloodshot-eyes-groggy-sniffly-sick look. i have an exam in a few hours that is very difficult to prepare for (being sick doesn't exactly motivate me to jump up and down and read read read my notes). oh, i'm so not cut out for responsibility. screw you latin. i'm sick, and you're no fun.
last night, however, was great. ashley and i hung out on frenchman street at bicycle michael's (her boyfriend works there) and it's next-door neighbor (yeah!). i found a poster for gash bash II so i had to gank it. it reminds me of hedwig. so, last night was good fun, but not without some mischeif and eventually some taco bell.
someone please take care of me tonight.
christina.stuffynose.
i see you shiver with antici....pation (3/18/03)
ladies and gentlemen, I need to get my hair done (or did as missy elliot would so eloquently put it). It's short and uneven. my bangs are blunt and ridiculous. i actually managed to pull my hair back into a sad little ponytail today as the picture shows. how tragic! it looks like a pom pom on the back of my head. maybe i'll just go all the way and chop the back off. something new and fun. no, not junior year butch 'do. a cute short thing. i don't know yet, who knows. i may just bleach it out. seriously, i'd like to give my hair the old bleach spots. they were hott. i don't know about that either. i mean, my has been bleached out (since october), dyed orange, red red, brown red, violet red, and pink. now it's all faded back to my real color! i'd like to bleach it out again, seriously. sally beauty supply, here i come...ooh, maybe short hair and bleach! ahhh! this is going to drive me up a wall. i want new hair. suggest away!
is it just me, or am i constantly wearing tank tops? if not tank tops, than really old shrunken shirts. and if not that, then dressy clothing. i guess one can never have enough tank tops. much like tampons, and makeup. deoderant too. but all for completely different reasons.
my teacher knocked moulin rouge today, i should punch her in the kneecaps for that. savannah cooked me breakfast, she rocksrocksrocks! the sun is coming out, i need the sun! no more rain! stop it! i want to be happy today!
christina
and you're spinning like a 45, ballerina, dancing to your rock 'n' roll...(3/17/03)
Hey, it's St. Pattie's Day! Actually, after a semester of reading Dubliners, I hate James Joyce and all things that remind me of James Joyce. Therefore I refuse to wear that silly green clothing or act like a Leprechan...pinch me, see if I care. I'll take out your kneecaps...unless I like it...Anyway...so I refuse to wear green today.
My computer is giving me agita, so I can't post any new pictures for the day. Not to worry, I'm not looking especially spectacular today. I'm just donning the old pinup shirt and the super slit skirt and the knee high boots. It's a normal fashion-tastic-tasteless day. I told you I'm monochromatic, right? Black, white, gray, khaki. That's my palette today. So, In light of the computer trouble, I'll post another picture, the ultimate monochromatic mamacita picture to placate my many fans...
Anyway, I got back my midterm in World Civ and...I got a C+! Fucking C+! I don't deserve that. Honestly, I slaved an entire night at Rue drinking mochas and sitting alone (hell, what else is new?) reading, re-reading, taking notes, and basically giving myself an aneurism over the Slave trade. I know the motherfucking slave trade. arg. If there was ever a time for me to bust out a pack of Kamel Red Lights, now would be it. What am I saying? I don't smoke. I'm being too dramatic...
On top of my computer going schitzo and the C+ from Dr. Kick-My-Ass, I'm coming down with something. My throat hurts, my nose is stuffy, my eyes are dry, and I have a headache. I've been nursing myself all day via both chai and mint tea, ibuprofen, and lots and lots of aqua. Maybe it's allergies...except I'm not allergic to anything. Maybe someone should take care of me. This means you. You know who you are. Bring me chicken soup...
Oh yeah, a new item on my shopping list: a big-ass bottle of Metabo-whatever. I realize it's heart-attack-in-a-bottle, but when I used to take it I weighed about 12 lbs less and got all my work done. Sure, it can make you screwy at times, but I only had adverse affects when I didn't eat enough food or was sleep deprived. In those instances...whoa. You could make me cry by telling me my shirt was wrinkled. But that occurred on very very rare occaisions. It also used to keep me for doing inherently stupid things when I drank. It keeps you awake, so you don't get all loopy and call people six times in a row. I never dialed people before. Therefore, more incentive.
I'm so behind on my magic anti-baby pills. I haven't taken them in two whole months. Aieeeee! Lucky for me, I'm not placing myself in precarious situations.
Other than these things, nothing else is too spectacular to mention. Hot Carlos gave me his ritual 'smirk' today. It makes me smile, but that Latin Lovah does that to every girl. It never ceases to amuse me though. He's a good guy, good ol' Giovanni. Dom leant me his copy of Cat's Cradle. I love that goddamn book. I need to read new books though. Give me books! Now! (Why do I keep making commands directed at no one?! ma'donne!)
I hate "Rime of the Ancient Mariner." Stupid albatross. Stupid stupid ghost boat.
Here's another picture of me, just to amuse you further...
So, why did I take a picture like that? Entertainment? Enjoyment? For someone else? You'll never know! (and even if I wanted to tell you, it's too old a picture for me to remember the circumstances...)
Just on the safe side, I'll say I was stripping....right
<3christina.
i'm a high school lover, and you're my favorite flavor...(3/16/03)
as you can tell, my day has been pretty uneventful, save the Moosehead beer shirt and the 'fun with makeup' incident. i haven't consumed anything outside the realm of vending machine food and water, and the majority of my day has consisted of watching the rock and roll hall of fame inductions and 'cheers.' i'm currently downloading the pilot of 'my so-called life' (only 30 hours to go!) and so every couple hours i watch the minute of extra footage i acquire. i'm spoiling the fun, but damn, i miss my angela chase. yeah, that's my day... you envy me, right?
for the record, i did not drink this weekend. i didn't even leave campus! it's amazing what a lack of monetary funds does to you. not that i'm complaining. sometimes i get a simple thrill from making my bed and say, 'soon, the sheets will be rummaged and in a state of disarray!' alas, i am amused too easily.
i've made the executive xtina decision to, once my b-day check from aunt mary clears, to go grocery shopping this time...some one bring me. this means you, pal.
i need:
bread
milk (skim!)
cereal (malt-o-meal)
lunch meat (ham, turkey...)
kraft cheese
2 lb bag of animal crackers
goldfish crackers
those little sandwich cracker thingies
kool-aid (which means sugar too!)
miso soup
green olives
v8 (spicy)
cranberry-grape juice
fifth of vodka (taaka...so cheap)
bottle of tequila (again, cheapo)
grits (the big-ass variety box)
ramen ramen ramen (oriental, chicken...yummmyy)
okay, besides the al-ke-hol, i need all that crap. cold cuts and green olives make me super-happy. for the record, no the beverages are not purely for mixer purposes. i actually drink this stuff when my life is not limited to aqua. someone take me to big lots too. there's a lot of bulk food there. i'm tired of being a hungry kid. new rule: i'll only kiss you if take me out to dinner...and dancing...and if you say please...
and now i'm watching archie bunker. good fun, i need sleep...
-christina
weather's nice, lips are chapped, even nicer. (3-15-03)
It's been a good past few days. My lips don't have the top layer like their supposed to, but that just means they haven't been neglected. (rock). So, I went to Shim Sham last night, good fun, kind of scary out on account of all the crazy Kentucky fans running around. Gah! But all in all, a good Friday.
My mother and I have already had a legendary bitch-bitch-fight-fight session, and it's not even 2 in the afternoon! She found porn on the computer from 2 years ago, which is very funny because I acquired so much of it because I used to watch it with my old boyfriend. Very very hillarious. But I dare not tell her that. "Yes, mother, I love lesbians!" Well, it did take her over 2 years to find it, so I did good hiding it. Ha. Yeah, and I neglected to tell her it was parent's weekend. Shit! Plus I added into the equation the fact that I am po' as white trash right now. That did not please her. Not in the fucking least. Shit! I'm on a bad roll right now!
So, laundry's happening hardcore right now. I need socks.
The weather is nice, and so I'm going to go to Audobon park and try to give myself a tan or something. That would be great, to anti-white myself. Which is why I'm wearing this wacky hippie top. I knew when I bought it (in 2 colors, no less!) it would serve some purpose. Well, it's 75 degrees outside, and I don't want to be white. There ya go. It's a hot top though, eh?
-Christina
allo! (3-13-03)
ah, i saw a lot of frat boys strip tonight. not too cool...but it was sort of funny...free beer. best part.
-christina...
whoaness. (3-12-03)
So, I present you with two pictures. Taken tonight. Pretty, eh? The first is me, clearly in distress. The second is me with the source of my distress, the Norton Anthology of Poetry. I love poetry, but I absolutely despise doing work (how did I make it through high school...How?!). Unfortunately, I have to write a paper tonight. Well, it's done now. I should be happy, right? I mean, I'm wearing this rad Beatles shirt and the Clash is playing and now I'm done with my work but...
whoaness. i kind of sort of...
I got help with this paper. Honestly, I don't understand Herbert at all. And I didn't understand the poem. So I kind of sort of found a paper on it online and...
Did I copy it? Heavens, no! I just sort of read it and let my opinions take shape. It takes the shape essentially of the paper I read, but in different language, and not quite as well. But I was at a loss. I had no fucking clue.
Did I do something wrong? I feel like it. But, fuck, I don't know what else I could have done.
Well, I guess now that I'm done (and feeling terrible at that), there's just one thing left to do...
chug-a-lug.
You kids call me tonight. I put my cellphone on vibrate and in my pocket...give me a thrill.
